Peculiar

When you crack jokes, you'll always be the first one laughing ever so dorkily.
When your hair is scruffy and 'flat' during normal days but when it comes to formals, you push it up and a little to the side to show your forehead and look ever so mesmerizing.
When you look into my eyes, and I think of a new way of describing your eye colour.
When you wake up in the morning and kiss me on the lips regardless of your breath. Ugh.
When you awkwardly place your arm round my neck in a crowd cause that's just something you do.
When you would always ask me to make you coffee in the morning so that 'maybe one day you'll fall in love with it' and complain afterwards about how bitter coffee is.
When you let me have my own champagne or wine glass at parties then you'll hand me a whole bowl of finger food when I start talking too much.
When I complain and complain and you would just hug my leg like a three-year-old child until it's over.
When you would question me a million times about a flower one of my male colleagues gifted to me as part of his magic trick. (I still keep it to drive you crazy sometimes)
When you literally pretend to fall asleep every time you see that I've done something embarrassing so I don't feel bad.
When I told you that you can choose my sexy lingerie for the night, you ended up bringing back a Nets jersey and we ended up making love like never before.
When the first thing you say to me is 'What's the matter?' and hold me silently rather than asking me not to cry.
When we would have silence between us only to catch a breath because we never run out of things to say to each other.

When you hold me close and I know that you would never let me go.
When in the beginning, for me, it was all about you. And I noticed, for you, it was all about me. I'm not sure how I make you feel. Sometimes, you might think you're doing it all wrong. But the truth is, it feels right. The way you make me feel. As though your actions, your words, they were all made for me.

Slowly, it transformed to this thing about us.

When I met Love for the first day, it was peculiar. It took my breath away, again and again. Gradually, I knew Love. Better and better each day. It is everything. It was why I still made you coffee every morning. It was why I wanted to come home as soon as work ended. It was why I cooked dinner for two. It was the reason for the way you look at me. It is the reason you're in my prayers. The fact that I can love you is a miracle to me. And the fact that I am loved, it's an indescribable, beyond my imagination kind of feeling. And I guess that's love at work too.

Insecurities. Insecurities. Insecurities.
Ruminatin on what people think about me.
Ruminatin on what the future will be like.
Over thinkin about all the things I can find to over think about.
I have to admit it's tiring.
I'm not a patient person.
So many things that I want to say. So many things I want to do.
Yet I feel like I'm wasting my days away just like that.
Just because I need to stop and think about so many things.
I dunno if I've grown over the past few years. To a more confident and more mature person. Sometimes, I just don't feel it.
And then I wonder if I will ever grow up to be that more confident and more mature person that I wanna be.
When we were younger, we used to think that the adults are always right. Whatever they say whatever they do. Then you grow up to see that they have their flaws too.
Then I would wonder if I can ever grow out of the bad habits and the flaws of mine.
Sometimes I ruminate about how people treat me. How I can interpret what I mean to a person by how they treat me. But then I don't treat people very well myself. I would have given the same response I was given. Then I have to think that I should not care because only those that matter matter.
People always say you have to live humbly but the too humble will get pushed over. Too confident and you're labelled pushy.
Just tryin to live by a principle now: There is no black or white in this world. There is no right or wrong. You just have to use your own way to get what you want. Just believe in yourself. And believe what you're doing is right. And maybe you'll get there.
Because people can't see their own mistakes. I admit I am blind to mine. Whatever we do is a matter of character. So there's no point giving someone a rule book printed in black and white and pointin out their flaws to them cause they can't see them.
Life at 20. Just tryin to find a way up and forward. Just tryin to find myself.
Maybe it's just all this communication training in school. Like don't judge and stuff. Always accept others with an open mind. All this empathizing skills taught me to always walk a mile or two in someone else's shoes before making conclusions about them. Because they probably walked a thousand and I am no where close to knowing how they feel. Now I've made a practice of, before judging someone or thinking negatively about their actions or words, I think about their story. I believe that everyone was once pure, turned into something they're not by some event in their life. Always understand and forgive but never, ever forget. I will forgive but I am not going to be a pushover. I will tell you when I am not happy about something but I will also tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. Keep the close ones close and push the rest out of the circle. So if you've got a pass to be in my inner circle, I hope you keep it well and cherish it as much as I cherish you.  Cause I really do and it would be pretty obvious if I like you. Or I don't.  ❤

Absence (was tryin to make it rhyme but decided it should just be a passage)

After all this time, how are you still appearin in my dreams?
Your face was as clear as the time I held it before I fell asleep.
Then you would hold me so tight and say you'll never let me go.
How you would whisper in my ears that you wouldn't let go even if I begged you so.
Your arms were as I remembered and your hands on mine.
As the sunray hits my face, I wake up to find myself all alone.
I can't feel the warmth but felt a chill spread through my bones.

We had bad tempers and we both know we were living with a time bomb.
But even if we were livin like we're walkin on glass everyday
I always hoped one day we'd be able to finally jump and soar.
And never look back at the crumbling ground beneath us.

These photos that we used to always take together was to prove that we were unbreakable.
But we turned so easily and truth is we were as fragile as a bubble.
Am I the only one lookin back at these memories on my own?
What we've done together is now nothing but random images formed by nerves tryin to connect the dots in my head.

If we made a movie out of our memories, then I'll be the only one in the cinema watchin it.
Lookin around the seats just made me realise how much your presence means to me.
We used to watch crappy movies every week and the cinema would only be us.
But yet it was different. This emptiness is new to me.
Without you, everything has an empty taste.
The one I miss the most but yet can't see.
Everyday I would visit the cinema with the price of hurting myself.
In the hopes that one day you would too so that maybe I can see you.
And even if we have to sit seats apart. It's definitely better than what I'm now going through.

If I cannot predict the future, can I at least hold on to the past.
When I think of it, I don't have any answers for the future.
But when I'm asked about us from a long time ago, I would be able to say I was happy. And how you made me feel. And that's all I want to keep.
Friends tellin me to forget you but I know this is what I want to do.
Until one day, when I can't see properly and can't remember things clearly.
I'll know that what we had was great and even if we're not together.
Maybe we weren't soul mates and were not meant to be with each other.
We had something.
Something indescribable by words but yet only you and I know of.

Itchy hands but no inspiration.

When I was growin up in the suburbs
Life was so perfect.
Ain't nobody can touch me,
It was just me and my damn clique.
That's when I learnt that this crew or gang or whatever you call it
were made up of beautiful people that could always be trusted.
Then life, and age would always have to get in the way.
It wasn't how it used to be, back in the day.
Back then, I had a special definition for friends.
Now by the looks of it, they're just people for you to hang out with?
You see, the thing about growing up is that, it wrecks and it burns you
and it twists and turns your views.
Time is not just one that heals. It too tears things apart and it may as well crush you.
People were not angels, sent from the heavens to try and make your life better.
In fact it's just the exact opposite
I guess this whole thing just caught me off-guarded and this is the truth.
I should accept it since y'all already do.

It's not just about physical growth, with your suits and your dresses,
with them new curves and new muscles.
It's bout the mentality we had back when we were 13 will never be the same the moment we hit 18.
It's probably just like when you were learning your ABCs.
Now you learn that what you know is probably not what you see.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not perfect.
I've probably done something too that turned us all into monsters.
Cause everyone just gotta live their life.
and it's not for anyone to decide how we steer and drive.
Attention people who have not learnt this line, better get it right.
Cause one day society gon' eat you alive.

II (Still under modification)

Here's your daily dose of humanity.

It's what left of your old soul, made into a serum to keep you from insanity.

Take it quick, your heart is running out of morale.

Don't let yourself be taken over.

Need alcohol to bear this pain cause it hurts too much when I'm still sober.

Stiffen up that expression. Don't cry, from now on you're just gonna be a smiler.

I put my ten fingers together and pray and pray for the better.

How much I plea for You to breathe some life into me.

You say you believe in me. I want to do the same too but I just can't do.

Everything I stood for is wiped out without mercy and only me myself can see.

I just wanted to make you proud but all I know to do now is to sit and cry and shout.

I don't want to give up faith.

I believe in karma and I've had enough with all this hate.

I just need a ray of hope through that crack in this cave that I made myself stay.

I see no evil, speak no evil and hear no evil.

Cause it lives in me.

I'm not what I used to be.

My eyes don't see what I used to see.

I'm going to stay still.

Build my armor out of the warmth the people gave me when I was freezing cold.

I remember. Those who stood by my side cause they believed me rather than what was being told.

I'm already hurt. So what's wrong with playing with a little bit more dirt in my ragged shirt.

I'm doing this for the people I adore.

For staying when my heart was torn. For opening up doors.

For giving me strength to climb back up once more.

Get up you've had enough beating up.

Suck it up. Get up. For fuck's sake stand up.

I need to be alone.

I can't always expect

Help to be there every time I'm about to crack.

Every time I have a panic attack.

Gotta have my own back and keep my mind intact.

All this help that I loaned, I dunno how to repay you.
I just hope that when there's the time, I can do the same for you too.

Till I'm strong enough to claim my throne.

Till my bones can resist sticks and stones.

I'll be back, ladies and gents.
I'll be back all groomed and fuckin' toned.

Gotta get my act and move back into my fuckin' zone.
Into this zone that only I own.

I

This dream, I was going to war empty handed.
The enemies were nearing, with their weapons as we speak.
This suicidal move, they come at me. Slashing and at this time whose help is that may I seek.
I look up and kneel before The one we all fear, pray that no matter what happens, please protect the people I dear.

I hear alarms ringing, telling me to wake up from this dream.
This feeling of drowning is so real, more real than it may have seem.
What was suppose to be an adventure turns into a horror movie.
These panic attacks happen all the time and at night I can't breathe.
It's like I committed a crime.
My thoughts are sins replaying themselves again and again.
Like broken records not wanting to stop, repeating the same chorus till my mind's about to pop.
It's like a fight against myself, I'm punching myself up good.
Broken teeth, broken nose, mind fucked up and still there is where I stood.
Don't tell me everything will be fine. This blood I have on my hand is all just mine.

Wake up.
You've been dreaming again. I'm not sure bout mental illnesses but this could be a sign.
I pray that You send someone from above to guide me. I think it's really time.
I'm feeding the wolf inside me.
Am I wrong? I'm just trying to survive in this brainwashed, greedy society.
Brain so fucked up, it's controlling me. Takin over.
My heart turning stone cold.
If it turns metal, I'm hoping it turns to gold.
See what I mean? I'm not what I used to be.
Injured my own mind and soul.
And now it's weak. One blow and I'll be brought down to my all time low.
"We're here for you." I look into the mirror, see the people I love say.
See my self, I smash it cause at the moment I feel like a piece of worthless, trash shit.

70000 thoughts per day and half of I don't want to see.
My brain cells intoxicated. Adrenaline in my systems activated.
These symptoms I have elucidated. I feel contaminated.
I wear black to show people how I'm like on the inside.
Let's take a tour of me. Ladies and Gents, you're in for a dark ride.

80 beats per minute rising to 160. Panic Attack is back and who will come and save me.

I hold a picture of a 7-year-old girl in my hands.
She looks back at me and say "I don't know you no more."
Don't look at me like this. You've swore you'll never turn this way.
Now it's all nothing but something that you just say.
Now look now, This is you in the future.
Don't blame me. This is yourself bout to be shaped by human nature.

At the moment, I hate myself.
Hate the situations I put myself in.
Hate what I'm becoming.
Hate that I'm turning into what I hate.

For me, Life is at its low at the moment. Please forgive me and give me the strength to climb back up once more.