Today, I'm back here again. Heck, I shouldn't be. It's practical soon and I should be studying.
Honestly, as I'm typing this, I'm exhausted, so so very exhausted; every time I think about it, all I wanna do is cry. And cry some more. I just had the worst month of my life and it's not getting better yet. I think I was treading on the brink of depression. I can tell you that I had multiple panic attacks, took sleeping pills and I couldn't eat. Every single day, I break down and I can't seem to stop. Despite the number of times I told myself to suck it up, I seem to want to cry even more. Let me just say deciding to move out on my own at this period wasn't the wisest choice. People say things will pass. But sometimes, I don't think I can get through times like this alone. I feel weak, needy and pathetic. I'm not like this; I used to be able to focus so well. I know what I want in life and strive for it. I've been through failure, I've done badly in exams and why is it I still don't learn to stand back on my two feet? This year is the year I feel most wary of myself. It's such a shame because it all started out so well. I got praises from my consultant and done not too badly in mocks. But now, I've noticed there's so much more that I haven't covered. I can't breathe just thinking about it. I hate this version of me. Why can't I just sit down and get to work? The moment I open my books and see the amount of information in it, I start panicking. It's been like that for quite a while and once your brain is conditioned to it, it's hard to stop.
On particularly difficult nights, I think about the question "Is medicine not for me?". This question has been playing itself again and again in my head for the past month. I'm not that person who would sit down and study all the side effects of a medication. I can remember the first like two but no.3 and no.4, forget it. I can only remember so much. I can't take it in. Back in high school, I used to make the effort to remember the extras because I wish to be an insufferable know-it-all. But medical school, I can't, it really destroys your soul just sitting there; remembering that there are soooooo many drugs that interact with that one liver enzyme; and once it interacts with that enzyme, it affects another whole list of drugs. I'M EXHAUSTED. I'M TIRED. I am officially in my burn out phase. People tell me medicine is hard; yeah, I know but I'll do it anyway. This year is finally the point where I go 'Medicine is hard, can I still do this?'
Medical school has destroyed all my confidence. At 22, I feel so defeated. And so drained. I don't feel inspired and I don't feel energized. I'm just so tired.
I feel pathetic that I'm defeated by exams; I mean it's supposed to be one of the easiest struggles or something. But I can't help but feel this way.
I've worked so hard for this, giving up now will just reflect how weak I am and how easily I give up on things. I know, I know but now that I'm this exhausted, I'm actually thinking twice. I don't wanna give up too. I really don't, but is this path really right for me?
I honestly do not know.
 |
| This picture is actually the perfect story of my life at the moment. Except that my next exit is definitely way more than just 54 yards away. |
