Insecurities. Insecurities. Insecurities.
Ruminatin on what people think about me.
Ruminatin on what the future will be like.
Over thinkin about all the things I can find to over think about.
I have to admit it's tiring.
I'm not a patient person.
So many things that I want to say. So many things I want to do.
Yet I feel like I'm wasting my days away just like that.
Just because I need to stop and think about so many things.
I dunno if I've grown over the past few years. To a more confident and more mature person. Sometimes, I just don't feel it.
And then I wonder if I will ever grow up to be that more confident and more mature person that I wanna be.
When we were younger, we used to think that the adults are always right. Whatever they say whatever they do. Then you grow up to see that they have their flaws too.
Then I would wonder if I can ever grow out of the bad habits and the flaws of mine.
Sometimes I ruminate about how people treat me. How I can interpret what I mean to a person by how they treat me. But then I don't treat people very well myself. I would have given the same response I was given. Then I have to think that I should not care because only those that matter matter.
People always say you have to live humbly but the too humble will get pushed over. Too confident and you're labelled pushy.
Just tryin to live by a principle now: There is no black or white in this world. There is no right or wrong. You just have to use your own way to get what you want. Just believe in yourself. And believe what you're doing is right. And maybe you'll get there.
Because people can't see their own mistakes. I admit I am blind to mine. Whatever we do is a matter of character. So there's no point giving someone a rule book printed in black and white and pointin out their flaws to them cause they can't see them.
Life at 20. Just tryin to find a way up and forward. Just tryin to find myself.
Maybe it's just all this communication training in school. Like don't judge and stuff. Always accept others with an open mind. All this empathizing skills taught me to always walk a mile or two in someone else's shoes before making conclusions about them. Because they probably walked a thousand and I am no where close to knowing how they feel. Now I've made a practice of, before judging someone or thinking negatively about their actions or words, I think about their story. I believe that everyone was once pure, turned into something they're not by some event in their life. Always understand and forgive but never, ever forget. I will forgive but I am not going to be a pushover. I will tell you when I am not happy about something but I will also tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. Keep the close ones close and push the rest out of the circle. So if you've got a pass to be in my inner circle, I hope you keep it well and cherish it as much as I cherish you. Cause I really do and it would be pretty obvious if I like you. Or I don't. ❤
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Absence (was tryin to make it rhyme but decided it should just be a passage)
After all this time, how are you still appearin in my dreams?
Your face was as clear as the time I held it before I fell asleep.
Then you would hold me so tight and say you'll never let me go.
How you would whisper in my ears that you wouldn't let go even if I begged you so.
Your arms were as I remembered and your hands on mine.
As the sunray hits my face, I wake up to find myself all alone.
I can't feel the warmth but felt a chill spread through my bones.
We had bad tempers and we both know we were living with a time bomb.
But even if we were livin like we're walkin on glass everyday
I always hoped one day we'd be able to finally jump and soar.
And never look back at the crumbling ground beneath us.
These photos that we used to always take together was to prove that we were unbreakable.
But we turned so easily and truth is we were as fragile as a bubble.
Am I the only one lookin back at these memories on my own?
What we've done together is now nothing but random images formed by nerves tryin to connect the dots in my head.
If we made a movie out of our memories, then I'll be the only one in the cinema watchin it.
Lookin around the seats just made me realise how much your presence means to me.
We used to watch crappy movies every week and the cinema would only be us.
But yet it was different. This emptiness is new to me.
Without you, everything has an empty taste.
The one I miss the most but yet can't see.
Everyday I would visit the cinema with the price of hurting myself.
In the hopes that one day you would too so that maybe I can see you.
And even if we have to sit seats apart. It's definitely better than what I'm now going through.
If I cannot predict the future, can I at least hold on to the past.
When I think of it, I don't have any answers for the future.
But when I'm asked about us from a long time ago, I would be able to say I was happy. And how you made me feel. And that's all I want to keep.
Friends tellin me to forget you but I know this is what I want to do.
Until one day, when I can't see properly and can't remember things clearly.
I'll know that what we had was great and even if we're not together.
Maybe we weren't soul mates and were not meant to be with each other.
We had something.
Something indescribable by words but yet only you and I know of.
Your face was as clear as the time I held it before I fell asleep.
Then you would hold me so tight and say you'll never let me go.
How you would whisper in my ears that you wouldn't let go even if I begged you so.
Your arms were as I remembered and your hands on mine.
As the sunray hits my face, I wake up to find myself all alone.
I can't feel the warmth but felt a chill spread through my bones.
We had bad tempers and we both know we were living with a time bomb.
But even if we were livin like we're walkin on glass everyday
I always hoped one day we'd be able to finally jump and soar.
And never look back at the crumbling ground beneath us.
These photos that we used to always take together was to prove that we were unbreakable.
But we turned so easily and truth is we were as fragile as a bubble.
Am I the only one lookin back at these memories on my own?
What we've done together is now nothing but random images formed by nerves tryin to connect the dots in my head.
If we made a movie out of our memories, then I'll be the only one in the cinema watchin it.
Lookin around the seats just made me realise how much your presence means to me.
We used to watch crappy movies every week and the cinema would only be us.
But yet it was different. This emptiness is new to me.
Without you, everything has an empty taste.
The one I miss the most but yet can't see.
Everyday I would visit the cinema with the price of hurting myself.
In the hopes that one day you would too so that maybe I can see you.
And even if we have to sit seats apart. It's definitely better than what I'm now going through.
If I cannot predict the future, can I at least hold on to the past.
When I think of it, I don't have any answers for the future.
But when I'm asked about us from a long time ago, I would be able to say I was happy. And how you made me feel. And that's all I want to keep.
Friends tellin me to forget you but I know this is what I want to do.
Until one day, when I can't see properly and can't remember things clearly.
I'll know that what we had was great and even if we're not together.
Maybe we weren't soul mates and were not meant to be with each other.
We had something.
Something indescribable by words but yet only you and I know of.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Itchy hands but no inspiration.
When I was growin up in the suburbs
Life was so perfect.
Ain't nobody can touch me,
It was just me and my damn clique.
That's when I learnt that this crew or gang or whatever you call it
were made up of beautiful people that could always be trusted.
Then life, and age would always have to get in the way.
It wasn't how it used to be, back in the day.
Back then, I had a special definition for friends.
Now by the looks of it, they're just people for you to hang out with?
You see, the thing about growing up is that, it wrecks and it burns you
and it twists and turns your views.
Time is not just one that heals. It too tears things apart and it may as well crush you.
People were not angels, sent from the heavens to try and make your life better.
In fact it's just the exact opposite
I guess this whole thing just caught me off-guarded and this is the truth.
I should accept it since y'all already do.
It's not just about physical growth, with your suits and your dresses,
with them new curves and new muscles.
It's bout the mentality we had back when we were 13 will never be the same the moment we hit 18.
It's probably just like when you were learning your ABCs.
Now you learn that what you know is probably not what you see.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not perfect.
I've probably done something too that turned us all into monsters.
Cause everyone just gotta live their life.
and it's not for anyone to decide how we steer and drive.
Attention people who have not learnt this line, better get it right.
Cause one day society gon' eat you alive.
Life was so perfect.
Ain't nobody can touch me,
It was just me and my damn clique.
That's when I learnt that this crew or gang or whatever you call it
were made up of beautiful people that could always be trusted.
Then life, and age would always have to get in the way.
It wasn't how it used to be, back in the day.
Back then, I had a special definition for friends.
Now by the looks of it, they're just people for you to hang out with?
You see, the thing about growing up is that, it wrecks and it burns you
and it twists and turns your views.
Time is not just one that heals. It too tears things apart and it may as well crush you.
People were not angels, sent from the heavens to try and make your life better.
In fact it's just the exact opposite
I guess this whole thing just caught me off-guarded and this is the truth.
I should accept it since y'all already do.
It's not just about physical growth, with your suits and your dresses,
with them new curves and new muscles.
It's bout the mentality we had back when we were 13 will never be the same the moment we hit 18.
It's probably just like when you were learning your ABCs.
Now you learn that what you know is probably not what you see.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not perfect.
I've probably done something too that turned us all into monsters.
Cause everyone just gotta live their life.
and it's not for anyone to decide how we steer and drive.
Attention people who have not learnt this line, better get it right.
Cause one day society gon' eat you alive.
Monday, June 17, 2013
II (Still under modification)
Here's your daily dose of humanity.
It's what left of your old soul, made into a serum to keep you from insanity.
Take it quick, your heart is running out of morale.
Don't let yourself be taken over.
Need alcohol to bear this pain cause it hurts too much when I'm still sober.
Stiffen up that expression. Don't cry, from now on you're just gonna be a smiler.
I put my ten fingers together and pray and pray for the better.
How much I plea for You to breathe some life into me.
You say you believe in me. I want to do the same too but I just can't do.
Everything I stood for is wiped out without mercy and only me myself can see.
I just wanted to make you proud but all I know to do now is to sit and cry and shout.
I don't want to give up faith.
I believe in karma and I've had enough with all this hate.
I just need a ray of hope through that crack in this cave that I made myself stay.
I see no evil, speak no evil and hear no evil.
Cause it lives in me.
I'm not what I used to be.
My eyes don't see what I used to see.
I'm going to stay still.
Build my armor out of the warmth the people gave me when I was freezing cold.
I remember. Those who stood by my side cause they believed me rather than what was being told.
I'm already hurt. So what's wrong with playing with a little bit more dirt in my ragged shirt.
I'm doing this for the people I adore.
For staying when my heart was torn. For opening up doors.
For giving me strength to climb back up once more.
Get up you've had enough beating up.
Suck it up. Get up. For fuck's sake stand up.
I need to be alone.
I can't always expect
Help to be there every time I'm about to crack.
Every time I have a panic attack.
Gotta have my own back and keep my mind intact.
All this help that I loaned, I dunno how to repay you.
I just hope that when there's the time, I can do the same for you too.
I just hope that when there's the time, I can do the same for you too.
Till I'm strong enough to claim my throne.
Till my bones can resist sticks and stones.
I'll be back, ladies and gents.
I'll be back all groomed and fuckin' toned.
I'll be back all groomed and fuckin' toned.
Gotta get my act and move back into my fuckin' zone.
Into this zone that only I own.
Into this zone that only I own.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
I
This dream, I was going to war empty handed.
The enemies were nearing, with their weapons as we speak.
This suicidal move, they come at me. Slashing and at this time whose help is that may I seek.
I look up and kneel before The one we all fear, pray that no matter what happens, please protect the people I dear.
I hear alarms ringing, telling me to wake up from this dream.
This feeling of drowning is so real, more real than it may have seem.
What was suppose to be an adventure turns into a horror movie.
These panic attacks happen all the time and at night I can't breathe.
It's like I committed a crime.
My thoughts are sins replaying themselves again and again.
Like broken records not wanting to stop, repeating the same chorus till my mind's about to pop.
It's like a fight against myself, I'm punching myself up good.
Broken teeth, broken nose, mind fucked up and still there is where I stood.
Don't tell me everything will be fine. This blood I have on my hand is all just mine.
Wake up.
You've been dreaming again. I'm not sure bout mental illnesses but this could be a sign.
I pray that You send someone from above to guide me. I think it's really time.
I'm feeding the wolf inside me.
Am I wrong? I'm just trying to survive in this brainwashed, greedy society.
Brain so fucked up, it's controlling me. Takin over.
My heart turning stone cold.
If it turns metal, I'm hoping it turns to gold.
See what I mean? I'm not what I used to be.
Injured my own mind and soul.
And now it's weak. One blow and I'll be brought down to my all time low.
"We're here for you." I look into the mirror, see the people I love say.
See my self, I smash it cause at the moment I feel like a piece of worthless, trash shit.
70000 thoughts per day and half of I don't want to see.
My brain cells intoxicated. Adrenaline in my systems activated.
These symptoms I have elucidated. I feel contaminated.
I wear black to show people how I'm like on the inside.
Let's take a tour of me. Ladies and Gents, you're in for a dark ride.
80 beats per minute rising to 160. Panic Attack is back and who will come and save me.
I hold a picture of a 7-year-old girl in my hands.
She looks back at me and say "I don't know you no more."
Don't look at me like this. You've swore you'll never turn this way.
Now it's all nothing but something that you just say.
Now look now, This is you in the future.
Don't blame me. This is yourself bout to be shaped by human nature.
The enemies were nearing, with their weapons as we speak.
This suicidal move, they come at me. Slashing and at this time whose help is that may I seek.
I look up and kneel before The one we all fear, pray that no matter what happens, please protect the people I dear.
I hear alarms ringing, telling me to wake up from this dream.
This feeling of drowning is so real, more real than it may have seem.
What was suppose to be an adventure turns into a horror movie.
These panic attacks happen all the time and at night I can't breathe.
It's like I committed a crime.
My thoughts are sins replaying themselves again and again.
Like broken records not wanting to stop, repeating the same chorus till my mind's about to pop.
It's like a fight against myself, I'm punching myself up good.
Broken teeth, broken nose, mind fucked up and still there is where I stood.
Don't tell me everything will be fine. This blood I have on my hand is all just mine.
Wake up.
You've been dreaming again. I'm not sure bout mental illnesses but this could be a sign.
I pray that You send someone from above to guide me. I think it's really time.
I'm feeding the wolf inside me.
Am I wrong? I'm just trying to survive in this brainwashed, greedy society.
Brain so fucked up, it's controlling me. Takin over.
My heart turning stone cold.
If it turns metal, I'm hoping it turns to gold.
See what I mean? I'm not what I used to be.
Injured my own mind and soul.
And now it's weak. One blow and I'll be brought down to my all time low.
"We're here for you." I look into the mirror, see the people I love say.
See my self, I smash it cause at the moment I feel like a piece of worthless, trash shit.
70000 thoughts per day and half of I don't want to see.
My brain cells intoxicated. Adrenaline in my systems activated.
These symptoms I have elucidated. I feel contaminated.
I wear black to show people how I'm like on the inside.
Let's take a tour of me. Ladies and Gents, you're in for a dark ride.
80 beats per minute rising to 160. Panic Attack is back and who will come and save me.
I hold a picture of a 7-year-old girl in my hands.
She looks back at me and say "I don't know you no more."
Don't look at me like this. You've swore you'll never turn this way.
Now it's all nothing but something that you just say.
Now look now, This is you in the future.
Don't blame me. This is yourself bout to be shaped by human nature.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Betrayal
Logan: She strided on to the dance floor, hand in hand with a man whose name I do not know of. As they gracefully waltzed on the dance floor, our eyes meet. She looked into mine while I looked into hers. I've seen those eyes before, eyes that were full of affection. She did love me, she still does. If this is true ... I must tell her tonight. That I still do too. Anna, I love you. I really do.
Annastasia: I see him across the dance floor. Looking rather saddened and disappointed. I tried to convey my message: I love you, Logan. Always have always will. Will you tell me you do too? If you tell me you love me, everything may change back to how things once were. If you tell me you love me now, let me run back into your arms so that you can hold me close and never let me go. If only you felt the same way, I can end things with this man and be with you forever. Tell me, Logan. Tell me you love me.
James: (Keeps hand on the little box in his pocket, thumb rubbing it unsuringly) She seems so wonderfully beautiful tonight. Dazzling as always. My one true love, Annie. (Kisses her on the cheek) Now seems like the right time. Should I do it? Should I act now?
Logan: I get out of my seat, ignoring the date I was set up with. Determined to tell her tonight. But before I could say anything, before I could even do anything, the man gets down on one knee and pulls something out of his pocket. No. She was still looking at me. Anna... She now looks at the man, she looks rather taken aback. Staring at the man, lost for words. I was not at a distance to hear what he has to say but you would have to be an idiot to not know. I read his lips and look back at Anna. Anna looks up. Her eyes were teary and though I could no longer see into them, I knew where this was heading. This must be the most painful decision she has to make. I close my eyes and can't help the tears that were starting to roll down my cheeks.
Annastasia: Tell me, Logan. Why are you stopping? Wait... No. James, what are you doing? Could this be... No. He gets on one knee and takes out a little red box. No. He opens it and there it was, a ring. No. The question,"Annie, will you marry me?" "No." but the answer was merely a whisper in my head. No, James. No... I look up at Logan. He stopped in his tracks when he saw this. He was looking at James, he looked rather taken aback. Staring at James, lost and confused. He now looks at me, waiting for an answer. I'm sorry, Logan. My eyes start to tear up and all I can do is cry. Logan, I love you... I look down at James. This man may not be you but he loves me as much as you do...And I can't break his heart...
James: Here I go. I get down on one knee, pull the ring out and ask,"Annie, will you marry me?" For a second, she looked shocked. She seems weary. Why? Is she doubtful? Please say yes, Annie. She looks off into afar, not sure what she's looking at but my eyes see only her. Was there a tinge of sadness in her expression? Maybe I'm over thinking. She starts to cry, please let those be tears of joy. Say yes, Annie. I love you. And will love you with all my heart all my life. She looks at me now and I look back hopefully. I love you, Annie. Please say yes.
Logan: When I open my eyes, I see her hug the man with joy. She kisses him on the lips and does not take a single look at me anymore. She is his now. The whole restaurant fills with cheers and applause. I should be happy for her but as much as I love her, this was too painful to bear.
Annastasia: I gave James a light nod and he gets up to hug me close. "Oh, Annie, I was so worried. But now that you've said 'yes', that is all that matters now." He whispers softly into my ear so that only I can hear. I will learn to love this man one day. No matter how long it takes, I will fall in love with this man. From now on, I will learn to love him with all that's left of my heart. James kisses me on the lips and hugs me close once more. Cheers and applause were getting louder. And with that as the background noise, I cried and cried and buried my face into James shoulder. Logan. Logan. He was all I could think of.
James: I love you, Annie. I will love you more than any man has ever had. She gently nods. I jump up to hug her close. Thank you, Annie. I whisper something into her ear. She loves me. After all this time, I was doubtful. But she loves me. If not full-heartedly, at least enough for her to say yes to me. I smile kindly to the cheering customers and staff. Annie buries her face into my shoulder and weeps. She must be happy. Why wouldn't she be? She loves me, I convinced myself once more. I will keep you happy, my Annie. I love you.
That night, 3 hearts made the decision to betray themselves. Love is not only about finding the right person, it has also got to happen at the right time...
“She made a sound of regret. ‘We come second, you and I, Luc-ien,’ she said. ‘Our allegiance is always to our kingdoms. Without that allegiance, our people would fall.’
She placed her head back against his chest and he felt her tears. ‘This is not our time.’
‘But that will never mean I love you less,’ he said.”
― Melina Marchetta, Quintana of Charyn
-End-
Just a random short 'story' kinda thing.
(Working hard to improve writing!)
Annastasia: I see him across the dance floor. Looking rather saddened and disappointed. I tried to convey my message: I love you, Logan. Always have always will. Will you tell me you do too? If you tell me you love me, everything may change back to how things once were. If you tell me you love me now, let me run back into your arms so that you can hold me close and never let me go. If only you felt the same way, I can end things with this man and be with you forever. Tell me, Logan. Tell me you love me.
James: (Keeps hand on the little box in his pocket, thumb rubbing it unsuringly) She seems so wonderfully beautiful tonight. Dazzling as always. My one true love, Annie. (Kisses her on the cheek) Now seems like the right time. Should I do it? Should I act now?
Logan: I get out of my seat, ignoring the date I was set up with. Determined to tell her tonight. But before I could say anything, before I could even do anything, the man gets down on one knee and pulls something out of his pocket. No. She was still looking at me. Anna... She now looks at the man, she looks rather taken aback. Staring at the man, lost for words. I was not at a distance to hear what he has to say but you would have to be an idiot to not know. I read his lips and look back at Anna. Anna looks up. Her eyes were teary and though I could no longer see into them, I knew where this was heading. This must be the most painful decision she has to make. I close my eyes and can't help the tears that were starting to roll down my cheeks.
Annastasia: Tell me, Logan. Why are you stopping? Wait... No. James, what are you doing? Could this be... No. He gets on one knee and takes out a little red box. No. He opens it and there it was, a ring. No. The question,"Annie, will you marry me?" "No." but the answer was merely a whisper in my head. No, James. No... I look up at Logan. He stopped in his tracks when he saw this. He was looking at James, he looked rather taken aback. Staring at James, lost and confused. He now looks at me, waiting for an answer. I'm sorry, Logan. My eyes start to tear up and all I can do is cry. Logan, I love you... I look down at James. This man may not be you but he loves me as much as you do...And I can't break his heart...
James: Here I go. I get down on one knee, pull the ring out and ask,"Annie, will you marry me?" For a second, she looked shocked. She seems weary. Why? Is she doubtful? Please say yes, Annie. She looks off into afar, not sure what she's looking at but my eyes see only her. Was there a tinge of sadness in her expression? Maybe I'm over thinking. She starts to cry, please let those be tears of joy. Say yes, Annie. I love you. And will love you with all my heart all my life. She looks at me now and I look back hopefully. I love you, Annie. Please say yes.
Logan: When I open my eyes, I see her hug the man with joy. She kisses him on the lips and does not take a single look at me anymore. She is his now. The whole restaurant fills with cheers and applause. I should be happy for her but as much as I love her, this was too painful to bear.
Annastasia: I gave James a light nod and he gets up to hug me close. "Oh, Annie, I was so worried. But now that you've said 'yes', that is all that matters now." He whispers softly into my ear so that only I can hear. I will learn to love this man one day. No matter how long it takes, I will fall in love with this man. From now on, I will learn to love him with all that's left of my heart. James kisses me on the lips and hugs me close once more. Cheers and applause were getting louder. And with that as the background noise, I cried and cried and buried my face into James shoulder. Logan. Logan. He was all I could think of.
James: I love you, Annie. I will love you more than any man has ever had. She gently nods. I jump up to hug her close. Thank you, Annie. I whisper something into her ear. She loves me. After all this time, I was doubtful. But she loves me. If not full-heartedly, at least enough for her to say yes to me. I smile kindly to the cheering customers and staff. Annie buries her face into my shoulder and weeps. She must be happy. Why wouldn't she be? She loves me, I convinced myself once more. I will keep you happy, my Annie. I love you.
That night, 3 hearts made the decision to betray themselves. Love is not only about finding the right person, it has also got to happen at the right time...
“She made a sound of regret. ‘We come second, you and I, Luc-ien,’ she said. ‘Our allegiance is always to our kingdoms. Without that allegiance, our people would fall.’
She placed her head back against his chest and he felt her tears. ‘This is not our time.’
‘But that will never mean I love you less,’ he said.”
― Melina Marchetta, Quintana of Charyn
-End-
Just a random short 'story' kinda thing.
(Working hard to improve writing!)
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