It says here my last post was July 9th 2014. Ha.
Today, I'm back here again. Heck, I shouldn't be. It's practical soon and I should be studying.
Honestly, as I'm typing this, I'm exhausted, so so very exhausted; every time I think about it, all I wanna do is cry. And cry some more. I just had the worst month of my life and it's not getting better yet. I think I was treading on the brink of depression. I can tell you that I had multiple panic attacks, took sleeping pills and I couldn't eat. Every single day, I break down and I can't seem to stop. Despite the number of times I told myself to suck it up, I seem to want to cry even more. Let me just say deciding to move out on my own at this period wasn't the wisest choice. People say things will pass. But sometimes, I don't think I can get through times like this alone. I feel weak, needy and pathetic. I'm not like this; I used to be able to focus so well. I know what I want in life and strive for it. I've been through failure, I've done badly in exams and why is it I still don't learn to stand back on my two feet? This year is the year I feel most wary of myself. It's such a shame because it all started out so well. I got praises from my consultant and done not too badly in mocks. But now, I've noticed there's so much more that I haven't covered. I can't breathe just thinking about it. I hate this version of me. Why can't I just sit down and get to work? The moment I open my books and see the amount of information in it, I start panicking. It's been like that for quite a while and once your brain is conditioned to it, it's hard to stop.
On particularly difficult nights, I think about the question "Is medicine not for me?". This question has been playing itself again and again in my head for the past month. I'm not that person who would sit down and study all the side effects of a medication. I can remember the first like two but no.3 and no.4, forget it. I can only remember so much. I can't take it in. Back in high school, I used to make the effort to remember the extras because I wish to be an insufferable know-it-all. But medical school, I can't, it really destroys your soul just sitting there; remembering that there are soooooo many drugs that interact with that one liver enzyme; and once it interacts with that enzyme, it affects another whole list of drugs. I'M EXHAUSTED. I'M TIRED. I am officially in my burn out phase. People tell me medicine is hard; yeah, I know but I'll do it anyway. This year is finally the point where I go 'Medicine is hard, can I still do this?'
Medical school has destroyed all my confidence. At 22, I feel so defeated. And so drained. I don't feel inspired and I don't feel energized. I'm just so tired.
I feel pathetic that I'm defeated by exams; I mean it's supposed to be one of the easiest struggles or something. But I can't help but feel this way.
I've worked so hard for this, giving up now will just reflect how weak I am and how easily I give up on things. I know, I know but now that I'm this exhausted, I'm actually thinking twice. I don't wanna give up too. I really don't, but is this path really right for me?
I honestly do not know.

This picture is actually the perfect story of my life at the moment. Except that my next exit is definitely way more than just 54 yards away.

Twenty One.

Been a while and I don't normally do birthday posts. But yippee yaya, I'm 21. and officially legal worldwide. and my theme song for today would be "Grown Woman" by Beyoncé if you haven't heard it already.
21 should be special in a way that after this year's celebration, the next few birthdays will just be about you growing a year older.
So anyway, this year I've been such a good girl. hehe. Birthday was simple. A lunch, an afternoon spent with my Baby, an evening with my family, and a surprise at night! Friends were honestly pretty good this year, minor mistakes that blew their cover. haha every year, I list them out so that they can improve and maybe by the time we're 30 they'll be professional scammers. Anyway. that's beside the point. Was a little confused as to how I was gonna celebrate. ... still not used to this yet but I'm starting to get a hang of it.
Anyway, started with a lunch. and no one told me when and where it was happening till I called up and asked where they were. Turns out they were all at the location already. and by the time I arrived, most of them were already done with their meal. Thankful for a certain black hole Mr. Lo and slow eater Ms. Thio, so I didn't have to eat alone.
Afternoon, was doggie outing day and was an absolute bliss. It was pretty fun for me. But I think my baby was bored instead. haha was a whole afternoon of doggie drama going on. Mic ended up educating Olivia's dogs about girls. and that part was kinda weird
Then, an evening with la familia. They surprised me with cake, pretty balloons hehe and my favourite cheap sparkling grape drink. And let me just say, Lu Tai was not in town... and that was kinda disappointing for me. Birthdays aren't exactly complete without a blessing of chocolate moist cake. hehe
So to make up for it, Olivia made me red velvet cupcakes and they were pretty good. :) surprise was good. brother's acting was bad haha and then we spent the whole night talking about the past. (which we always do)
I dunno bout you guys, but reminiscing is one of the things I actually quite like doing. When you slowly grow up, you start to question yourself and most of the time, you're just doubting yourself. and with work and everything, life is pretty stressful at times and I cannot even imagine how work life would be. but thinking back of the good times, it keeps me sane. reminds me that I was part of something wonderful. and that sometimes, you just need to believe, have faith. cause with the way we were studying back then, faith was all we had. haha and hitting 21 is sort of a milestone in itself and it's really a reminder for appreciation and also a hit in the head for me start figuring out my life haha. 
It's so draggy I feel like it's one of those compositions titled 'My Birthday' with a moral story at the end. So I'll just end it with a speech given by a school principal that I found not too long ago which really got me thinking. I hope you do too!

"Go home, mow the lawn, wash the windows, learn to cook, build a raft, get a job, visit the sick, study your lessons, and after you've finished, read a book. Your town does not owe you recreational facilities and your parents do not owe you fun. The world does not owe you a living, you owe the world something. You owe it your time, energy and talent so that no one will be at war, in poverty or sick and lonely again. In other words, grow up, stop being a cry baby, get out of your dream world and develop a backbone, not a wishbone. Start behaving like a responsible person. You are important and you are needed. It's too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday. Someday is now and that somebody is you."

Be the change you wish to see in this world. (because honestly, no one will do it for you)

Been missin you guys lately. Been missin the old times. Because when I'm with you guys, I felt like I could be myself, I could be anything I wanted and those times were the best. No sweat just love.
Growing up, sometimes I feel like I have to be a certain way with certain people. But I shouldn't need to. I feel like I need to constantly tolerate and understand. But back in the days, we did not have concerns as such. We were just being us, happy, loud, sometimes it's embarassing but it didn't matter cause we dominated and we ruled. I miss that feeling. I miss being part of that. Might be the hormones but I miss you guys.

Baby kiss me, before they turn the lights out.
-Beyoncé, XO
Her songs just make me wanna fall in love all over again. But it isn't easy if you have commitment issues. Haha
Such a beautiful song, such an inspiration.

Lately has been such a blur. Full of questions in my head, so many thought processes I don't think I'm even capable of. I've had so much to think about. I'm getting so tired.
The other day. I decided to go horse riding. It's been a while and I've gotten a little rusty. The horse was a little funny then it went a little crazy and guess what, it threw me off. I actually FLEW off a horse. Luckily at that instant of a second, I sort of reminded myself to pull my feet out of the stirrups (which are the things we position our feet in during riding). Or else, I dunno what would have happened. That was a close one. But I still fell, tumbled, somersaulted then came to a stop lying flat. I laid there and let the adrenaline flow through me. Honestly, it felt good. I felt alive. I wasn't thinking about anything but the sensation and what had just happened. I took of my helmet cause it felt tight. Needed some air. Instructor came to make sure I was okay. Told her I was. Told her I felt good. Gave me a little look at first, but was relieved. She was trying to tell me not to feel discouraged and stuff. But, I couldn't wait to come back.
Second day came. And my whole body was aching like crazy. Was kind of worried because I have mock practical exams on Friday. But thank goodness they didn't have the CPR station. I think I would have passed out giving 30 chest compressions at 100bpm. But yeah, just when I thought I got the exams covered, the day itself, I was shaking when I was taking someone's BP. Gawd, I was so embarrassed. Person acting as my patient was my friend as well, was holding it in so hard trying not to laugh. But yeah, hopefully feedback is not that bad. (it was my first time having exams like these) Loved the examiners, they were so nice. Hopefully they're that nice too in the real exam.
Came home, felt like my brain could fly.
Definitely going horse riding again. Need the adrenaline.

Peculiar

When you crack jokes, you'll always be the first one laughing ever so dorkily.
When your hair is scruffy and 'flat' during normal days but when it comes to formals, you push it up and a little to the side to show your forehead and look ever so mesmerizing.
When you look into my eyes, and I think of a new way of describing your eye colour.
When you wake up in the morning and kiss me on the lips regardless of your breath. Ugh.
When you awkwardly place your arm round my neck in a crowd cause that's just something you do.
When you would always ask me to make you coffee in the morning so that 'maybe one day you'll fall in love with it' and complain afterwards about how bitter coffee is.
When you let me have my own champagne or wine glass at parties then you'll hand me a whole bowl of finger food when I start talking too much.
When I complain and complain and you would just hug my leg like a three-year-old child until it's over.
When you would question me a million times about a flower one of my male colleagues gifted to me as part of his magic trick. (I still keep it to drive you crazy sometimes)
When you literally pretend to fall asleep every time you see that I've done something embarrassing so I don't feel bad.
When I told you that you can choose my sexy lingerie for the night, you ended up bringing back a Nets jersey and we ended up making love like never before.
When the first thing you say to me is 'What's the matter?' and hold me silently rather than asking me not to cry.
When we would have silence between us only to catch a breath because we never run out of things to say to each other.

When you hold me close and I know that you would never let me go.
When in the beginning, for me, it was all about you. And I noticed, for you, it was all about me. I'm not sure how I make you feel. Sometimes, you might think you're doing it all wrong. But the truth is, it feels right. The way you make me feel. As though your actions, your words, they were all made for me.

Slowly, it transformed to this thing about us.

When I met Love for the first day, it was peculiar. It took my breath away, again and again. Gradually, I knew Love. Better and better each day. It is everything. It was why I still made you coffee every morning. It was why I wanted to come home as soon as work ended. It was why I cooked dinner for two. It was the reason for the way you look at me. It is the reason you're in my prayers. The fact that I can love you is a miracle to me. And the fact that I am loved, it's an indescribable, beyond my imagination kind of feeling. And I guess that's love at work too.

Insecurities. Insecurities. Insecurities.
Ruminatin on what people think about me.
Ruminatin on what the future will be like.
Over thinkin about all the things I can find to over think about.
I have to admit it's tiring.
I'm not a patient person.
So many things that I want to say. So many things I want to do.
Yet I feel like I'm wasting my days away just like that.
Just because I need to stop and think about so many things.
I dunno if I've grown over the past few years. To a more confident and more mature person. Sometimes, I just don't feel it.
And then I wonder if I will ever grow up to be that more confident and more mature person that I wanna be.
When we were younger, we used to think that the adults are always right. Whatever they say whatever they do. Then you grow up to see that they have their flaws too.
Then I would wonder if I can ever grow out of the bad habits and the flaws of mine.
Sometimes I ruminate about how people treat me. How I can interpret what I mean to a person by how they treat me. But then I don't treat people very well myself. I would have given the same response I was given. Then I have to think that I should not care because only those that matter matter.
People always say you have to live humbly but the too humble will get pushed over. Too confident and you're labelled pushy.
Just tryin to live by a principle now: There is no black or white in this world. There is no right or wrong. You just have to use your own way to get what you want. Just believe in yourself. And believe what you're doing is right. And maybe you'll get there.
Because people can't see their own mistakes. I admit I am blind to mine. Whatever we do is a matter of character. So there's no point giving someone a rule book printed in black and white and pointin out their flaws to them cause they can't see them.
Life at 20. Just tryin to find a way up and forward. Just tryin to find myself.
Maybe it's just all this communication training in school. Like don't judge and stuff. Always accept others with an open mind. All this empathizing skills taught me to always walk a mile or two in someone else's shoes before making conclusions about them. Because they probably walked a thousand and I am no where close to knowing how they feel. Now I've made a practice of, before judging someone or thinking negatively about their actions or words, I think about their story. I believe that everyone was once pure, turned into something they're not by some event in their life. Always understand and forgive but never, ever forget. I will forgive but I am not going to be a pushover. I will tell you when I am not happy about something but I will also tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. Keep the close ones close and push the rest out of the circle. So if you've got a pass to be in my inner circle, I hope you keep it well and cherish it as much as I cherish you.  Cause I really do and it would be pretty obvious if I like you. Or I don't.  ❤