Been missin you guys lately. Been missin the old times. Because when I'm with you guys, I felt like I could be myself, I could be anything I wanted and those times were the best. No sweat just love.
Growing up, sometimes I feel like I have to be a certain way with certain people. But I shouldn't need to. I feel like I need to constantly tolerate and understand. But back in the days, we did not have concerns as such. We were just being us, happy, loud, sometimes it's embarassing but it didn't matter cause we dominated and we ruled. I miss that feeling. I miss being part of that. Might be the hormones but I miss you guys.

Baby kiss me, before they turn the lights out.
-Beyoncé, XO
Her songs just make me wanna fall in love all over again. But it isn't easy if you have commitment issues. Haha
Such a beautiful song, such an inspiration.

Lately has been such a blur. Full of questions in my head, so many thought processes I don't think I'm even capable of. I've had so much to think about. I'm getting so tired.
The other day. I decided to go horse riding. It's been a while and I've gotten a little rusty. The horse was a little funny then it went a little crazy and guess what, it threw me off. I actually FLEW off a horse. Luckily at that instant of a second, I sort of reminded myself to pull my feet out of the stirrups (which are the things we position our feet in during riding). Or else, I dunno what would have happened. That was a close one. But I still fell, tumbled, somersaulted then came to a stop lying flat. I laid there and let the adrenaline flow through me. Honestly, it felt good. I felt alive. I wasn't thinking about anything but the sensation and what had just happened. I took of my helmet cause it felt tight. Needed some air. Instructor came to make sure I was okay. Told her I was. Told her I felt good. Gave me a little look at first, but was relieved. She was trying to tell me not to feel discouraged and stuff. But, I couldn't wait to come back.
Second day came. And my whole body was aching like crazy. Was kind of worried because I have mock practical exams on Friday. But thank goodness they didn't have the CPR station. I think I would have passed out giving 30 chest compressions at 100bpm. But yeah, just when I thought I got the exams covered, the day itself, I was shaking when I was taking someone's BP. Gawd, I was so embarrassed. Person acting as my patient was my friend as well, was holding it in so hard trying not to laugh. But yeah, hopefully feedback is not that bad. (it was my first time having exams like these) Loved the examiners, they were so nice. Hopefully they're that nice too in the real exam.
Came home, felt like my brain could fly.
Definitely going horse riding again. Need the adrenaline.

Peculiar

When you crack jokes, you'll always be the first one laughing ever so dorkily.
When your hair is scruffy and 'flat' during normal days but when it comes to formals, you push it up and a little to the side to show your forehead and look ever so mesmerizing.
When you look into my eyes, and I think of a new way of describing your eye colour.
When you wake up in the morning and kiss me on the lips regardless of your breath. Ugh.
When you awkwardly place your arm round my neck in a crowd cause that's just something you do.
When you would always ask me to make you coffee in the morning so that 'maybe one day you'll fall in love with it' and complain afterwards about how bitter coffee is.
When you let me have my own champagne or wine glass at parties then you'll hand me a whole bowl of finger food when I start talking too much.
When I complain and complain and you would just hug my leg like a three-year-old child until it's over.
When you would question me a million times about a flower one of my male colleagues gifted to me as part of his magic trick. (I still keep it to drive you crazy sometimes)
When you literally pretend to fall asleep every time you see that I've done something embarrassing so I don't feel bad.
When I told you that you can choose my sexy lingerie for the night, you ended up bringing back a Nets jersey and we ended up making love like never before.
When the first thing you say to me is 'What's the matter?' and hold me silently rather than asking me not to cry.
When we would have silence between us only to catch a breath because we never run out of things to say to each other.

When you hold me close and I know that you would never let me go.
When in the beginning, for me, it was all about you. And I noticed, for you, it was all about me. I'm not sure how I make you feel. Sometimes, you might think you're doing it all wrong. But the truth is, it feels right. The way you make me feel. As though your actions, your words, they were all made for me.

Slowly, it transformed to this thing about us.

When I met Love for the first day, it was peculiar. It took my breath away, again and again. Gradually, I knew Love. Better and better each day. It is everything. It was why I still made you coffee every morning. It was why I wanted to come home as soon as work ended. It was why I cooked dinner for two. It was the reason for the way you look at me. It is the reason you're in my prayers. The fact that I can love you is a miracle to me. And the fact that I am loved, it's an indescribable, beyond my imagination kind of feeling. And I guess that's love at work too.

Insecurities. Insecurities. Insecurities.
Ruminatin on what people think about me.
Ruminatin on what the future will be like.
Over thinkin about all the things I can find to over think about.
I have to admit it's tiring.
I'm not a patient person.
So many things that I want to say. So many things I want to do.
Yet I feel like I'm wasting my days away just like that.
Just because I need to stop and think about so many things.
I dunno if I've grown over the past few years. To a more confident and more mature person. Sometimes, I just don't feel it.
And then I wonder if I will ever grow up to be that more confident and more mature person that I wanna be.
When we were younger, we used to think that the adults are always right. Whatever they say whatever they do. Then you grow up to see that they have their flaws too.
Then I would wonder if I can ever grow out of the bad habits and the flaws of mine.
Sometimes I ruminate about how people treat me. How I can interpret what I mean to a person by how they treat me. But then I don't treat people very well myself. I would have given the same response I was given. Then I have to think that I should not care because only those that matter matter.
People always say you have to live humbly but the too humble will get pushed over. Too confident and you're labelled pushy.
Just tryin to live by a principle now: There is no black or white in this world. There is no right or wrong. You just have to use your own way to get what you want. Just believe in yourself. And believe what you're doing is right. And maybe you'll get there.
Because people can't see their own mistakes. I admit I am blind to mine. Whatever we do is a matter of character. So there's no point giving someone a rule book printed in black and white and pointin out their flaws to them cause they can't see them.
Life at 20. Just tryin to find a way up and forward. Just tryin to find myself.
Maybe it's just all this communication training in school. Like don't judge and stuff. Always accept others with an open mind. All this empathizing skills taught me to always walk a mile or two in someone else's shoes before making conclusions about them. Because they probably walked a thousand and I am no where close to knowing how they feel. Now I've made a practice of, before judging someone or thinking negatively about their actions or words, I think about their story. I believe that everyone was once pure, turned into something they're not by some event in their life. Always understand and forgive but never, ever forget. I will forgive but I am not going to be a pushover. I will tell you when I am not happy about something but I will also tell you how grateful I am to have you in my life. Keep the close ones close and push the rest out of the circle. So if you've got a pass to be in my inner circle, I hope you keep it well and cherish it as much as I cherish you.  Cause I really do and it would be pretty obvious if I like you. Or I don't.  ❤

Absence (was tryin to make it rhyme but decided it should just be a passage)

After all this time, how are you still appearin in my dreams?
Your face was as clear as the time I held it before I fell asleep.
Then you would hold me so tight and say you'll never let me go.
How you would whisper in my ears that you wouldn't let go even if I begged you so.
Your arms were as I remembered and your hands on mine.
As the sunray hits my face, I wake up to find myself all alone.
I can't feel the warmth but felt a chill spread through my bones.

We had bad tempers and we both know we were living with a time bomb.
But even if we were livin like we're walkin on glass everyday
I always hoped one day we'd be able to finally jump and soar.
And never look back at the crumbling ground beneath us.

These photos that we used to always take together was to prove that we were unbreakable.
But we turned so easily and truth is we were as fragile as a bubble.
Am I the only one lookin back at these memories on my own?
What we've done together is now nothing but random images formed by nerves tryin to connect the dots in my head.

If we made a movie out of our memories, then I'll be the only one in the cinema watchin it.
Lookin around the seats just made me realise how much your presence means to me.
We used to watch crappy movies every week and the cinema would only be us.
But yet it was different. This emptiness is new to me.
Without you, everything has an empty taste.
The one I miss the most but yet can't see.
Everyday I would visit the cinema with the price of hurting myself.
In the hopes that one day you would too so that maybe I can see you.
And even if we have to sit seats apart. It's definitely better than what I'm now going through.

If I cannot predict the future, can I at least hold on to the past.
When I think of it, I don't have any answers for the future.
But when I'm asked about us from a long time ago, I would be able to say I was happy. And how you made me feel. And that's all I want to keep.
Friends tellin me to forget you but I know this is what I want to do.
Until one day, when I can't see properly and can't remember things clearly.
I'll know that what we had was great and even if we're not together.
Maybe we weren't soul mates and were not meant to be with each other.
We had something.
Something indescribable by words but yet only you and I know of.

Itchy hands but no inspiration.

When I was growin up in the suburbs
Life was so perfect.
Ain't nobody can touch me,
It was just me and my damn clique.
That's when I learnt that this crew or gang or whatever you call it
were made up of beautiful people that could always be trusted.
Then life, and age would always have to get in the way.
It wasn't how it used to be, back in the day.
Back then, I had a special definition for friends.
Now by the looks of it, they're just people for you to hang out with?
You see, the thing about growing up is that, it wrecks and it burns you
and it twists and turns your views.
Time is not just one that heals. It too tears things apart and it may as well crush you.
People were not angels, sent from the heavens to try and make your life better.
In fact it's just the exact opposite
I guess this whole thing just caught me off-guarded and this is the truth.
I should accept it since y'all already do.

It's not just about physical growth, with your suits and your dresses,
with them new curves and new muscles.
It's bout the mentality we had back when we were 13 will never be the same the moment we hit 18.
It's probably just like when you were learning your ABCs.
Now you learn that what you know is probably not what you see.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not perfect.
I've probably done something too that turned us all into monsters.
Cause everyone just gotta live their life.
and it's not for anyone to decide how we steer and drive.
Attention people who have not learnt this line, better get it right.
Cause one day society gon' eat you alive.