Itchy hands but no inspiration.

When I was growin up in the suburbs
Life was so perfect.
Ain't nobody can touch me,
It was just me and my damn clique.
That's when I learnt that this crew or gang or whatever you call it
were made up of beautiful people that could always be trusted.
Then life, and age would always have to get in the way.
It wasn't how it used to be, back in the day.
Back then, I had a special definition for friends.
Now by the looks of it, they're just people for you to hang out with?
You see, the thing about growing up is that, it wrecks and it burns you
and it twists and turns your views.
Time is not just one that heals. It too tears things apart and it may as well crush you.
People were not angels, sent from the heavens to try and make your life better.
In fact it's just the exact opposite
I guess this whole thing just caught me off-guarded and this is the truth.
I should accept it since y'all already do.

It's not just about physical growth, with your suits and your dresses,
with them new curves and new muscles.
It's bout the mentality we had back when we were 13 will never be the same the moment we hit 18.
It's probably just like when you were learning your ABCs.
Now you learn that what you know is probably not what you see.
Don't get me wrong. I know I'm not perfect.
I've probably done something too that turned us all into monsters.
Cause everyone just gotta live their life.
and it's not for anyone to decide how we steer and drive.
Attention people who have not learnt this line, better get it right.
Cause one day society gon' eat you alive.

II (Still under modification)

Here's your daily dose of humanity.

It's what left of your old soul, made into a serum to keep you from insanity.

Take it quick, your heart is running out of morale.

Don't let yourself be taken over.

Need alcohol to bear this pain cause it hurts too much when I'm still sober.

Stiffen up that expression. Don't cry, from now on you're just gonna be a smiler.

I put my ten fingers together and pray and pray for the better.

How much I plea for You to breathe some life into me.

You say you believe in me. I want to do the same too but I just can't do.

Everything I stood for is wiped out without mercy and only me myself can see.

I just wanted to make you proud but all I know to do now is to sit and cry and shout.

I don't want to give up faith.

I believe in karma and I've had enough with all this hate.

I just need a ray of hope through that crack in this cave that I made myself stay.

I see no evil, speak no evil and hear no evil.

Cause it lives in me.

I'm not what I used to be.

My eyes don't see what I used to see.

I'm going to stay still.

Build my armor out of the warmth the people gave me when I was freezing cold.

I remember. Those who stood by my side cause they believed me rather than what was being told.

I'm already hurt. So what's wrong with playing with a little bit more dirt in my ragged shirt.

I'm doing this for the people I adore.

For staying when my heart was torn. For opening up doors.

For giving me strength to climb back up once more.

Get up you've had enough beating up.

Suck it up. Get up. For fuck's sake stand up.

I need to be alone.

I can't always expect

Help to be there every time I'm about to crack.

Every time I have a panic attack.

Gotta have my own back and keep my mind intact.

All this help that I loaned, I dunno how to repay you.
I just hope that when there's the time, I can do the same for you too.

Till I'm strong enough to claim my throne.

Till my bones can resist sticks and stones.

I'll be back, ladies and gents.
I'll be back all groomed and fuckin' toned.

Gotta get my act and move back into my fuckin' zone.
Into this zone that only I own.

I

This dream, I was going to war empty handed.
The enemies were nearing, with their weapons as we speak.
This suicidal move, they come at me. Slashing and at this time whose help is that may I seek.
I look up and kneel before The one we all fear, pray that no matter what happens, please protect the people I dear.

I hear alarms ringing, telling me to wake up from this dream.
This feeling of drowning is so real, more real than it may have seem.
What was suppose to be an adventure turns into a horror movie.
These panic attacks happen all the time and at night I can't breathe.
It's like I committed a crime.
My thoughts are sins replaying themselves again and again.
Like broken records not wanting to stop, repeating the same chorus till my mind's about to pop.
It's like a fight against myself, I'm punching myself up good.
Broken teeth, broken nose, mind fucked up and still there is where I stood.
Don't tell me everything will be fine. This blood I have on my hand is all just mine.

Wake up.
You've been dreaming again. I'm not sure bout mental illnesses but this could be a sign.
I pray that You send someone from above to guide me. I think it's really time.
I'm feeding the wolf inside me.
Am I wrong? I'm just trying to survive in this brainwashed, greedy society.
Brain so fucked up, it's controlling me. Takin over.
My heart turning stone cold.
If it turns metal, I'm hoping it turns to gold.
See what I mean? I'm not what I used to be.
Injured my own mind and soul.
And now it's weak. One blow and I'll be brought down to my all time low.
"We're here for you." I look into the mirror, see the people I love say.
See my self, I smash it cause at the moment I feel like a piece of worthless, trash shit.

70000 thoughts per day and half of I don't want to see.
My brain cells intoxicated. Adrenaline in my systems activated.
These symptoms I have elucidated. I feel contaminated.
I wear black to show people how I'm like on the inside.
Let's take a tour of me. Ladies and Gents, you're in for a dark ride.

80 beats per minute rising to 160. Panic Attack is back and who will come and save me.

I hold a picture of a 7-year-old girl in my hands.
She looks back at me and say "I don't know you no more."
Don't look at me like this. You've swore you'll never turn this way.
Now it's all nothing but something that you just say.
Now look now, This is you in the future.
Don't blame me. This is yourself bout to be shaped by human nature.

At the moment, I hate myself.
Hate the situations I put myself in.
Hate what I'm becoming.
Hate that I'm turning into what I hate.

For me, Life is at its low at the moment. Please forgive me and give me the strength to climb back up once more.

Betrayal

Logan: She strided on to the dance floor, hand in hand with a man whose name I do not know of. As they gracefully waltzed on the dance floor, our eyes meet. She looked into mine while I looked into hers. I've seen those eyes before, eyes that were full of affection. She did love me, she still does. If this is true ... I must tell her tonight. That I still do too. Anna, I love you. I really do.

Annastasia: I see him across the dance floor. Looking rather saddened and disappointed. I tried to convey my message: I love you, Logan. Always have always will. Will you tell me you do too? If you tell me you love me, everything may change back to how things once were. If you tell me you love me now, let me run back into your arms so that you can hold me close and never let me go. If only you felt the same way, I can end things with this man and be with you forever. Tell me, Logan. Tell me you love me.

James: (Keeps hand on the little box in his pocket, thumb rubbing it unsuringly) She seems so wonderfully beautiful tonight. Dazzling as always. My one true love, Annie. (Kisses her on the cheek) Now seems like the right time. Should I do it? Should I act now?


Logan: I get out of my seat, ignoring the date I was set up with. Determined to tell her tonight. But before I could say anything, before I could even do anything, the man gets down on one knee and pulls something out of his pocket. No. She was still looking at me. Anna... She now looks at the man, she looks rather taken aback. Staring at the man, lost for words. I was not at a distance to hear what he has to say but you would have to be an idiot to not know. I read his lips and look back at Anna. Anna looks up. Her eyes were teary and  though I could no longer see into them, I knew where this was heading. This must be the most painful decision she has to make. I close my eyes and can't help the tears that were starting to roll down my cheeks.

Annastasia: Tell me, Logan. Why are you stopping? Wait... No. James, what are you doing? Could this be... No. He gets on one knee and takes out a little red box. No. He opens it and there it was, a ring. No. The question,"Annie, will you marry me?" "No." but the answer was merely a whisper in my head. No, James. No... I look up at Logan. He stopped in his tracks when he saw this. He was looking at James, he looked rather taken aback. Staring at James, lost and confused. He now looks at me, waiting for an answer. I'm sorry, Logan. My eyes start to tear up and all I can do is cry. Logan, I love you... I look down at James. This man may not be you but he loves me as much as you do...And I can't break his heart...

James: Here I go. I get down on one knee, pull the ring out and ask,"Annie, will you marry me?" For a second, she looked shocked. She seems weary. Why? Is she doubtful? Please say yes, Annie. She looks off into afar, not sure what she's looking at but my eyes see only her. Was there a tinge of sadness in her expression? Maybe I'm over thinking. She starts to cry, please let those be tears of joy. Say yes, Annie. I love you. And will love you with all my heart all my life. She looks at me now and I look back hopefully. I love you, Annie. Please say yes.


Logan: When I open my eyes, I see her hug the man with joy. She kisses him on the lips and does not take a single look at me anymore. She is his now. The whole restaurant fills with cheers and applause. I should be happy for her but as much as I love her, this was too painful to bear.

Annastasia: I gave James a light nod and he gets up to hug me close. "Oh, Annie, I was so worried. But now that you've said 'yes', that is all that matters now." He whispers softly into my ear so that only I can hear. I will learn to love this man one day. No matter how long it takes, I will fall in love with this man. From now on, I will learn to love him with all that's left of my heart. James kisses me on the lips and hugs me close once more. Cheers and applause were getting louder. And with that as the background noise, I cried and cried and buried my face into James shoulder. Logan. Logan. He was all I could think of.

James:  I love you, Annie. I will love you more than any man has ever had. She gently nods. I jump up to hug her close. Thank you, Annie. I whisper something into her ear. She loves me. After all this time, I was doubtful. But she loves me. If not full-heartedly, at least enough for her to say yes to me. I smile kindly to the cheering customers and staff. Annie buries her face into my shoulder and weeps. She must be happy. Why wouldn't she be? She loves me, I convinced myself once more. I will keep you happy, my Annie. I love you.

That night, 3 hearts made the decision to betray themselves. Love is not only about finding the right person, it has also got to happen at the right time...

“She made a sound of regret. ‘We come second, you and I, Luc-ien,’ she said. ‘Our allegiance is always to our kingdoms. Without that allegiance, our people would fall.’

She placed her head back against his chest and he felt her tears. ‘This is not our time.’

‘But that will never mean I love you less,’ he said.”
― Melina Marchetta, Quintana of Charyn    

-End-
Just a random short 'story' kinda thing.
(Working hard to improve writing!)

And at night I would pray
And pray
again and again.
The sound of my prayers fill the night.
Pray that one day my mind will have peace and clarity again.

For when daytime comes
And I see your face
I shall lose all sanity once more.

I choose to fill my life with beautiful music and laughter of loved ones than listen to the shit that other people have to say. ™