II (Still under modification)

Here's your daily dose of humanity.

It's what left of your old soul, made into a serum to keep you from insanity.

Take it quick, your heart is running out of morale.

Don't let yourself be taken over.

Need alcohol to bear this pain cause it hurts too much when I'm still sober.

Stiffen up that expression. Don't cry, from now on you're just gonna be a smiler.

I put my ten fingers together and pray and pray for the better.

How much I plea for You to breathe some life into me.

You say you believe in me. I want to do the same too but I just can't do.

Everything I stood for is wiped out without mercy and only me myself can see.

I just wanted to make you proud but all I know to do now is to sit and cry and shout.

I don't want to give up faith.

I believe in karma and I've had enough with all this hate.

I just need a ray of hope through that crack in this cave that I made myself stay.

I see no evil, speak no evil and hear no evil.

Cause it lives in me.

I'm not what I used to be.

My eyes don't see what I used to see.

I'm going to stay still.

Build my armor out of the warmth the people gave me when I was freezing cold.

I remember. Those who stood by my side cause they believed me rather than what was being told.

I'm already hurt. So what's wrong with playing with a little bit more dirt in my ragged shirt.

I'm doing this for the people I adore.

For staying when my heart was torn. For opening up doors.

For giving me strength to climb back up once more.

Get up you've had enough beating up.

Suck it up. Get up. For fuck's sake stand up.

I need to be alone.

I can't always expect

Help to be there every time I'm about to crack.

Every time I have a panic attack.

Gotta have my own back and keep my mind intact.

All this help that I loaned, I dunno how to repay you.
I just hope that when there's the time, I can do the same for you too.

Till I'm strong enough to claim my throne.

Till my bones can resist sticks and stones.

I'll be back, ladies and gents.
I'll be back all groomed and fuckin' toned.

Gotta get my act and move back into my fuckin' zone.
Into this zone that only I own.

I

This dream, I was going to war empty handed.
The enemies were nearing, with their weapons as we speak.
This suicidal move, they come at me. Slashing and at this time whose help is that may I seek.
I look up and kneel before The one we all fear, pray that no matter what happens, please protect the people I dear.

I hear alarms ringing, telling me to wake up from this dream.
This feeling of drowning is so real, more real than it may have seem.
What was suppose to be an adventure turns into a horror movie.
These panic attacks happen all the time and at night I can't breathe.
It's like I committed a crime.
My thoughts are sins replaying themselves again and again.
Like broken records not wanting to stop, repeating the same chorus till my mind's about to pop.
It's like a fight against myself, I'm punching myself up good.
Broken teeth, broken nose, mind fucked up and still there is where I stood.
Don't tell me everything will be fine. This blood I have on my hand is all just mine.

Wake up.
You've been dreaming again. I'm not sure bout mental illnesses but this could be a sign.
I pray that You send someone from above to guide me. I think it's really time.
I'm feeding the wolf inside me.
Am I wrong? I'm just trying to survive in this brainwashed, greedy society.
Brain so fucked up, it's controlling me. Takin over.
My heart turning stone cold.
If it turns metal, I'm hoping it turns to gold.
See what I mean? I'm not what I used to be.
Injured my own mind and soul.
And now it's weak. One blow and I'll be brought down to my all time low.
"We're here for you." I look into the mirror, see the people I love say.
See my self, I smash it cause at the moment I feel like a piece of worthless, trash shit.

70000 thoughts per day and half of I don't want to see.
My brain cells intoxicated. Adrenaline in my systems activated.
These symptoms I have elucidated. I feel contaminated.
I wear black to show people how I'm like on the inside.
Let's take a tour of me. Ladies and Gents, you're in for a dark ride.

80 beats per minute rising to 160. Panic Attack is back and who will come and save me.

I hold a picture of a 7-year-old girl in my hands.
She looks back at me and say "I don't know you no more."
Don't look at me like this. You've swore you'll never turn this way.
Now it's all nothing but something that you just say.
Now look now, This is you in the future.
Don't blame me. This is yourself bout to be shaped by human nature.

At the moment, I hate myself.
Hate the situations I put myself in.
Hate what I'm becoming.
Hate that I'm turning into what I hate.

For me, Life is at its low at the moment. Please forgive me and give me the strength to climb back up once more.

Betrayal

Logan: She strided on to the dance floor, hand in hand with a man whose name I do not know of. As they gracefully waltzed on the dance floor, our eyes meet. She looked into mine while I looked into hers. I've seen those eyes before, eyes that were full of affection. She did love me, she still does. If this is true ... I must tell her tonight. That I still do too. Anna, I love you. I really do.

Annastasia: I see him across the dance floor. Looking rather saddened and disappointed. I tried to convey my message: I love you, Logan. Always have always will. Will you tell me you do too? If you tell me you love me, everything may change back to how things once were. If you tell me you love me now, let me run back into your arms so that you can hold me close and never let me go. If only you felt the same way, I can end things with this man and be with you forever. Tell me, Logan. Tell me you love me.

James: (Keeps hand on the little box in his pocket, thumb rubbing it unsuringly) She seems so wonderfully beautiful tonight. Dazzling as always. My one true love, Annie. (Kisses her on the cheek) Now seems like the right time. Should I do it? Should I act now?


Logan: I get out of my seat, ignoring the date I was set up with. Determined to tell her tonight. But before I could say anything, before I could even do anything, the man gets down on one knee and pulls something out of his pocket. No. She was still looking at me. Anna... She now looks at the man, she looks rather taken aback. Staring at the man, lost for words. I was not at a distance to hear what he has to say but you would have to be an idiot to not know. I read his lips and look back at Anna. Anna looks up. Her eyes were teary and  though I could no longer see into them, I knew where this was heading. This must be the most painful decision she has to make. I close my eyes and can't help the tears that were starting to roll down my cheeks.

Annastasia: Tell me, Logan. Why are you stopping? Wait... No. James, what are you doing? Could this be... No. He gets on one knee and takes out a little red box. No. He opens it and there it was, a ring. No. The question,"Annie, will you marry me?" "No." but the answer was merely a whisper in my head. No, James. No... I look up at Logan. He stopped in his tracks when he saw this. He was looking at James, he looked rather taken aback. Staring at James, lost and confused. He now looks at me, waiting for an answer. I'm sorry, Logan. My eyes start to tear up and all I can do is cry. Logan, I love you... I look down at James. This man may not be you but he loves me as much as you do...And I can't break his heart...

James: Here I go. I get down on one knee, pull the ring out and ask,"Annie, will you marry me?" For a second, she looked shocked. She seems weary. Why? Is she doubtful? Please say yes, Annie. She looks off into afar, not sure what she's looking at but my eyes see only her. Was there a tinge of sadness in her expression? Maybe I'm over thinking. She starts to cry, please let those be tears of joy. Say yes, Annie. I love you. And will love you with all my heart all my life. She looks at me now and I look back hopefully. I love you, Annie. Please say yes.


Logan: When I open my eyes, I see her hug the man with joy. She kisses him on the lips and does not take a single look at me anymore. She is his now. The whole restaurant fills with cheers and applause. I should be happy for her but as much as I love her, this was too painful to bear.

Annastasia: I gave James a light nod and he gets up to hug me close. "Oh, Annie, I was so worried. But now that you've said 'yes', that is all that matters now." He whispers softly into my ear so that only I can hear. I will learn to love this man one day. No matter how long it takes, I will fall in love with this man. From now on, I will learn to love him with all that's left of my heart. James kisses me on the lips and hugs me close once more. Cheers and applause were getting louder. And with that as the background noise, I cried and cried and buried my face into James shoulder. Logan. Logan. He was all I could think of.

James:  I love you, Annie. I will love you more than any man has ever had. She gently nods. I jump up to hug her close. Thank you, Annie. I whisper something into her ear. She loves me. After all this time, I was doubtful. But she loves me. If not full-heartedly, at least enough for her to say yes to me. I smile kindly to the cheering customers and staff. Annie buries her face into my shoulder and weeps. She must be happy. Why wouldn't she be? She loves me, I convinced myself once more. I will keep you happy, my Annie. I love you.

That night, 3 hearts made the decision to betray themselves. Love is not only about finding the right person, it has also got to happen at the right time...

“She made a sound of regret. ‘We come second, you and I, Luc-ien,’ she said. ‘Our allegiance is always to our kingdoms. Without that allegiance, our people would fall.’

She placed her head back against his chest and he felt her tears. ‘This is not our time.’

‘But that will never mean I love you less,’ he said.”
― Melina Marchetta, Quintana of Charyn    

-End-
Just a random short 'story' kinda thing.
(Working hard to improve writing!)

And at night I would pray
And pray
again and again.
The sound of my prayers fill the night.
Pray that one day my mind will have peace and clarity again.

For when daytime comes
And I see your face
I shall lose all sanity once more.

I choose to fill my life with beautiful music and laughter of loved ones than listen to the shit that other people have to say. ™

Experimental (Read with rhythm maybe?)

I don't have much experience with heartbreaks.
I'm not good at cleaning up the mess after getting my heartbroken either.

//

I've studied Biology before but my teacher never taught me which part of the heart would hurt and now it's really happening to me. Would it break literally? I dunno. But I'd really like to open myself up and take it out to see. And maybe just maybe try and repair it however clumsily, I don't care. As long as I get the job done. But I tell you I'm a medic and I've held a dozen hearts. Maybe I'm just blind or maybe I'm just not lookin hard enough but I don't see it.

All these guys said they'd walk on water for you, but Baby if you really want to, I could buy the whole ocean for you.
This guy said he'd catch a grenade for you, Baby I would get the military to bring the rain on me. Just to let you see. How much I love you. And as long as you're happy.
I'd do everything for you. Just to prove that this love is true. I really want to.
Prove to you that my heart beats only for you and breaks when I can't see you. God, you know I fxxkin' miss you.

/

One day, this genie appeared and told me I had three wishes. He explained to me carefully what he could and couldn't do. But I still wasted my first two wishes asking for you. Asking for you to fall in love with me again, beggin like a fool. He said no and told me," I can't do nothin that involves love or death. You either waste it or take it, you've just got one more wish left. So please think about it carefully. And let me know, when you're ready, I'll be here, I'll be waiting but just don't be too slow and stay steady."

//


"I thought about it." I just need one night with you. This one night. One night to prove to you. How much I love you. And maybe, maybe baby you could see it through. When you see how much I love you and how much I could do for you.

That night, when I appeared in front of you, you looked shocked and outraged. You turned and started walkin when I was nervous and shakin but still I grabbed your hand, sayin "Don't leave me now. You'd know how much it hurt me back then. There's only a limited amount of pain that I can stand. Can't you see how much I'm dying inside? I need you in my life, why can't you see it for yourself? Why did you have to cause so much pain and suffering in myself?"

And all you said was,"Prove it to me." And that was it.

/

I knew exactly what I needed to do. I looked you in the eye and said "... I love you."
You looked back but I couldn't see myself in your eyes anymore. Could it be that you were seeing someone else during the time when I was gone?
By the next morning, you left. You made it obvious enough, you left the bedroom door open behind you just before you took off. The genie reappeared and told me,"Your wishes are no more." And with that he left, leaving me feelin nothin but sore.

And so I laid on the bed as I stared out of the door. Thinkin' it over and over again.
What may have gone wrong.
You told me it wasn't my fault, you were just getting bored.
At first, you didn't like me but when you said 'Yes', I swear my heart soared.

Our relationship was like a suspension bridge. I tried to maintain. Tried to balance it out so that it wouldn't sway. Even in the strongest winds. Baby, I kept us both on this bridge. I swear, if it were you and him, he would have pushed you off to save his own ass. But you don't care, you jumped off our bridge anyway. Just to be with him and at last, you and me, we ain't together. But you know we had a blast. You couldn't see it, you were so blinded and now look, what we had was special and is now all in the past.

/

You tell me, how could I have understood that. Just thinkin bout it, it makes me, it just makes me so angry and so mad. You said you were gettin bored of me, Baby were you getting tired? Were there too many diamond rings? Or were there too many expensive things? Baby, I've never cheated on you but you had a hundred flings. You thought I never knew. Just cause I pretended not to care, I never bothered and I'd just let you be. And now you wanna leave me. That I just don't understand. All this, it just makes me think about what you look for in a man. Baby, please understand that it's hard for me, cause I've always been there for you thinkin that you'll be there for me too. But you just neglected it all. Gave me a cold shoulder, shrugged it off and till now, till today you won't even answer my calls.

It's been 4 years now, and on this day, on this snow covered ground, I see your footsteps and I just started followin them around. Going after you has always been a habit of mine. I do it again and again and I don't even notice half of the time. Not long later, another set of footsteps appeared, right next to yours. I can picture it now, him leaning in for a kiss just before getting off the train. How you would hold hands and walk off together on this snowy day. It was painful for me to think about it, let alone for me to say. Too cold to carry on, I lay down, on this snow covered ground. All the blood and nerves inside me were freezing and I started to lose all feeling. I guess it's almost time for Goodbye. A teardrop managed to squeeze out of my eye. And that was the last of it. The last warmth I'll ever feel. That last tear drop froze on my cheek and stayed very still. And from then, everything was numb. I close my eyes and thought to myself:
Ahh, everything feels so much better now.

I'm in a better place.
At least I can see you whenever I want to.
Even though you don't see me, know that I'm always watchin over you.
Even though you don't feel me, know that I'm always there to hold you to sleep.
Even though you don't hear me, know that I'm always tellin you everyday that "I love you."

And I really meant it. I still mean it. I always think that what we had was better.
And only if you could have seen it. Baby, maybe we'd still be together.



**Beats: Stan-Eminem (Instrumental) And if you can read this with a rhythm, it would probably sound better. :)
Credits to: Olivia Thio for Biology inspiration (when she was drunk).